July 21, 2009
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Psalm 139:23
OK. Sometimes I am better at resting in God's love than at other times. I'm feeling better now, but last week was tough. By the end of the week, I was totally frustrated. It's not just the pain; it's the medicine. It is also the feeling of hopelessness that threatens to emerge. But it's the hopelessness that people with face pain have to fight; no one can do it for us.
In the midst of pain, I had a close encounter with someone whose attitude resembles mine from time to time. I watched several episodes of Bridezilla and saw a common theme through all the shows: It’s about me. I can relate. Are these women terrible? I don’t know, but I understand being obsessed with a desire to have a perfect day.
A perfect day. Obsessed with a situation. Oh yeah, I had to admit that I am sometimes a Facezilla. Like a bride who wants everyone to understand what she is feeling and what she wants... I have these same feelings. I'm misunderstood. Sometimes I am angry. I hurt so badly. Why can't I just have what I want? Doesn't anybody really want to help me?
Be reasonable? Sometimes I don't want to be. If the Bridezilla doesn't like the wedding cake that has been prepared for her, she just puts her fist in the cake and smashes it. Oh yeah, I want to smash something, but I don’t want to clean it up. I don’t want to waste anything. When you are paying for treatment, you can’t afford to have somebody will clean up your own mess.
A moment for the Facezilla: doesn't anyone understand that for once I just need to have a day with no pain? I want a day where I can talk, chew, and be free from medication. Somebody fix it! Dear Lord, help me. I know You can see how frustrated I am.
People pity the grooms of the Bridezillas and wish them luck with their demanding brides. Oh yeah. I pity my husband. It took him a few years to catch onto what I am am experiencing and how I feel, and I'll tell you how I feel: sorry for him. These days he stands by, trying to remain calm. After all, if the Facezilla gets upset her pain will escalate. My husband simply allows me to be right. How frustrating this is when I know that I am not.
I wonder if God is as upset with me as I am with myself, but I know that He understands. I’m not perfect. I may not always act loveable, but He loves me no matter what. I’m going to ask the Lord to help me rest in Him.
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I hope that you will find this blog entry a little humorous. I try to laugh at myself in order to cope with the stress. But the reality is that constant pain and disability can cause a person to lose perspective. Weddings aren't going to be perfect. Neither are Facezillas. Have you hugged yours today?
Have you read With Great Mercy?